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Fifty Shades of Corey
Chapter One: Team Cobra Unite! Mary looked up from the dildo and sighed. How many times would she have to look at this thing before it all made sense? Leaning back in her chair she methodically thought about each piece of evidence at the scene of the murder, desperately trying to find a connection. There was one dead Prime Minister, a talking parrot that only spoke Russian, two bottles of maple syrup and one massive purple dildo. Not just any massive purple dildo though, this thing was ridiculous. The more she looked at it the more she became convinced this dildo was pure evil, crafted by the hands of Satan himself. “Fuck it, he was only the Prime Minister of Canada,” she mumbled while tossing the case out the open window. “Giving up already?” chuckled Elyse from her bench press. She sat up and spit her chewing tobacco into a tin can with Kim Kardashian’s ass on the front. The women of Team Cobra Detective Agency were not very good at their jobs. Not even a little. There was Mary, the brains, who founded the agency after a wise time travelling banana told her it was her destiny. Elyse, the muscle, who decided to join the team when she grew concerned someone would hurt themselves. Theresa, the nice one, who was harboring a very not nice secret. Rachel, the comic relief, because she’s totally Scooby if this story were Scooby-doo. And finally there is Amy, the chef, who obsessively bakes everyone cookies when stressed. Which is always. Easily distracted, this rag tag team of lovable misfits has yet to solve a case. Fortunately they’re adorable so no one minds. They used to have “real” jobs, but as time went on each one eventually found their place in this makeshift family. Except for Theresa, who is of course harboring a very not nice secr- oh shit something’s happening in the plot! Mary tossed her hands up in frustration at her inability to solve yet another case. Unfortunately, Amy was standing behind her holding a tray of cookies. They were Gingerbread cookies, with peanut butter cream filling and she had drawn little buttons and eyes and shit. I don’t know much about cookies so let’s just say they were fucking masterpieces. The pathetic cries of 20 gingerbread men filled the room before they splattered on the concrete floor. “Well, I guess I’ll have to bake some more,” said Amy who tried her best to look disappointed. Just then the sound of cackling could be heard as the Witch Doctor flew in through the window. She parked her broom and tossed her pointy witch hat thing on the coat rack. Everyone sat in suspense while she finished writing her text message. Finally, she pocketed her phone and gave everyone a disapproving look. “Rent was due a week ago, bitches.” “I know, I’m sorry ma’am, but we’ll need another extension,” said Mary in a faint voice. “Look, I’m a nice girl. I’m a reasonable girl. You guys needed a place to live and do your little crime fighting mystery solving nonsense so I let you guys rent some space in my Volcano lair, but I swear to god if I don’t get my fucking money in three days then I’m going to turn you all into urinals. That’s right, urinals. Men will be pissing on you for eternity.” Everyone winced at the thought of this, except for Rachel who was shocked to find that this image had awakened something inside her. “Yes ma’am,” everyone said in unison. The Witch Doctor casually ran her fingers through her silky dark hair, if only to emphasize her dominance. “Alrighty, later bitches!” she hopped on her broom and shot into the night sky. “You don’t think she’ll actually turn us into urinals do you?” Said Theresa who is still harboring a not nice secret. Before anyone could answer, the frantic clatter of stilettos could be heard in the distance. The sound grew louder until James burst into the cavern. Oh yeah, incase this wasn’t clear Team Cobra Detective Agency is located inside the recently renovated caves of the Witch Doctor’s volcano. So like, it’s pretty cool. “Oh my god, James! What’s happened!?” shrieked Rachel. James was sobbing uncontrollably, mascara pouring down his delicate cheeks. His dress was ripped at the bottom and it appeared he had been running a great distance. He began to fall over but Elyse caught him with her cat reflexes. “it’s… It’s… It’s Corey!” gasped James. Finally, I’m in the plot. “What about Corey!?” said a panicked Amy who instinctively began whisking some cookie dough. “He’s disappeared! I came home from work at 4:30 like usual and his door was closed. I didn’t go in because that usually means he’s passed out from eating too much mac and cheese. Around 6:00 I knocked on his door but there was no answer so I just walked in and his room was empty. The weird thing is his room was clean. There weren’t any dirty dishes, fast food wrappers, or clothes on the floor. I texted him and he hasn’t responded. What if he was kidnapped and taken somewhere? What if he’s being tortured in a dungeon, or dead, or worse… in Canada!?” “Now just calm down,” said Mary. “Did you check Taco Bell?” “Of course! They were just as concerned as I was when he didn’t stop in for his XXL grilled stuffed beef burrito and nachos.” The room grew silent as the weight of this information hung in the air like an awful fart. If there was one thing they were sure of, it’s that Corey loves Taco Bell. He missed Amy and Ian’s wedding because Taco Bell started selling a limited edition Chimichanga. Something very not nice must have happened to him. “Elyse, ready the hot air balloon,” commanded Mary, “We got ourselves a case.” Everyone put their fists in and shouted, “Team Cobra Unite!” Oh, Theresa is the one who killed me. Chapter Two: This Shit is Bananas Cassidy Bananas didn’t have time for this shit. Actually, she had all the time in existence for this shit but that wasn’t the point. Someone, or something, had fucked with the timeline. Plummeting through the dazzling lights and sounds of the cone of existence, Cassidy Bananas contemplated her next move. Then the move after that, and even the move after that. When you’re a wise time travelling banana tasked by the intelligent designer to maintain order within the universe, you have to think long term. “ Yeeehawww!” Cassidy screamed as she exited the cone of existence and into the headquarters for Team Cobra Detective Agency, an agency that was born from her suggestion. From Mary’s perspective, time had come to a halt. Everyone was frozen with their arms in the air having just finished shouting, “Team Cobra Unite!” A flash of white light as pure as Amy’s soul filled the cavern as Cassidy Bananas materialized before Mary’s eyes. She was a tough looking banana of about 8 inches in height. Above her thick and untamed mess of red hair sat an exhausted looking Cowboy hat. Her green eyes were comically large and her lips were the perfect shade of red. Very kissable Mary thought to herself. Cassidy was also wearing dirty denim chaps above black cowboy boots that had mud and scratches all over them. This banana was experienced. “Howdy Mary,” Cassidy said while putting away her lasso. “You again?” Mary sighed. Mary didn’t like Cassidy much. For one thing, Cassidy always appeared to her at inconvenient times and started bossing her around. She hated being told what to do. Also, Mary wasn’t entirely sure Cassidy Bananas was real. “Yes me,” said Cassidy in an indifferent tone while putting another layer of lipstick on, “Here’s the 411, I’m going to need you to figure out who killed Corey and kill that person.” “Corey’s dead?” Mary screamed. Everyone loves Corey. “Yes. Well, sort of. It’s complicated and unnecessary to explain at this juncture so I’ll just leave you with this. If you don’t find out who killed Corey, and kill that person within 3 days then there is a 97% chance the universe will implode.” “Oh shit” “Yes shit, and considering my only job is to make sure the universe doesn’t implode, I’m going to have to insist you finish this rodeo,” Cassidy snapped her compact shut and her eyes narrowed. She pointed her lipstick at Mary as if it were a gun, “you have 3 days.” “The thing is, I owe my land lord money and she needs it in three days and I’ve also never solved a mystery in my-” “I don’t give a fuck about your life,” Cassidy laughed as she began to swirl her time lasso in the air. Another flash of light filled the cavern and Cassidy was gone. Everyone finished shouting, “team cobra unite!” and smiled. Mary looked pale and contemplative. She couldn’t tell anyone about Cassidy Bananas because they would think she was crazy, but she was going to have to make sure Team Cobra actually solved this mystery. “I bet Corey just got distracted by something shiny on his way home from work,” said Rachel who recently discovered she had a pee fetish. “Actually I killed him,” said Theresa who is still harboring a not nice secret. In addition, she is the one who killed me. Everyone laughed at her weird joke, everyone but the Witch Doctor who was watching from a monitor in her bed chamber. The Witch Doctor was a little more perceptive than the rest, and had always been a little suspicious of Theresa. Stroking Rasputin while sitting on her thrown, the Witch Doctor began to analyze the situation. There’s no way Team Cobra will be able to solve this one, they’re just too dysfunctional. Mary is smart enough but she can’t lead. Rachel is too easily distracted, Amy’s too easily frightened, and Elyse won’t take orders from anyone. Of course there is Theresa who is smart, focused, brave and humble, but there’s something about that girl that the Witch Doctor doesn’t trust. Also, it’s obvious Corey is dead at this point, he hasn’t checked in on foursquare in over 3 hours so… dead. The witch doctor exhaled smoke from her cigarette as she hatched an elaborate scheme to get her money and revenge for her dear friend’s murder. Meanwhile, everyone but the witch doctor climbed into the hot air balloon. “Is everyone inside?” asked Elyse who had forgotten to shave her beard that morning. Everyone nodded in acknowledgment. “Great, now I’m going to have to politely ask you guys to not touch a damn thing while inside the craft. This contraption is fucking state of the art. This isn’t your grandmother’s 747 we’re talking about, this is a mother fucking hot air balloon.” Everyone nodded in acknowledgment and Elyse scratched her balls. “Great, also, if any of you need anything, anything at all, get it yourself because I’m not your fucking flight attendant. One last thing, I don’t know why I’m even bringing this up because I doubt it will be a problem but there are absolutely no drugs allowed on the craft. This balloon runs off pure friendship, the most unstable molecule in existence, any amount of drug use could cause this thing to explode like Adam’s manpussy when I’m drilling him.” The rumble of the powerful engines began to vibrate the craft and pleasure those who have a vagina. Elyse twisted, turned, pushed, and massaged the myriad of colorful nobs and joy sticks that operated this advanced vehicle. Finally, Elyse looked satisfied that the craft was ready for flight. “LET’S FUCK THIS CUNT,” she screamed while slamming her fists on the large red start button. The hot air balloon shot off the runway and into the ominous night sky. Looks like a storm is brewing in the west. “From here on out autopilot pretty much does all the work so anyone want some coffee?” Everyone nodded nervously, afraid she would yell again. As Elyse walked over to the extensive coffee bar, everyone buried their face in the seductive glowing screen of their smartphones. Amy texted Ian asking if he’d gotten a job yet, Mary talked to a nice young alien with her galactic tindr app. I have no fucking clue what Theresa who has a not nice secret is doing; all the text on her phone is in some weird other language that kind of looks like Chinese. She appears to be talking to someone? Rachel watched Japanese watersport porn, and James researched underground Swedish film directors like always. Elyse’s phone lit up as she got a call from Leela. Leela was watching Adam while Elyse was at work so she answered the call immediately. Apparently Adam had eaten all the food left for him in his bowl and had somehow climbed into the ventilation system. This was distressing news to Elyse, and it was very unfortunate timing as well. Distracted by her phone call, Elyse accidently put the wrong coffee in the French press. Instead of the coffee marked “Elyse, for god’s sake use this Coffee,” she put in the coffee marked, “Warning, Mary’s drug stash – Will Result in Thickened Plot” Dozens of feet above their heads the friendship molecules began to grow unstable. Chapter Three: Amy's Nice Secret And Theresa Says Nizzle “Let me tell you about my amazing cunt fucking skills,” said a chipper Elyse who was on her sixth cup of coffee. Everyone moaned and did their best to avoid making eye contact, everyone except for Amy who is a closet lesbian, among other very nice secrets. “D-D-Does this c-c-coffee taste w-w-weird to anyone e-e-else?” Theresa’s voice was shaking. She’s most likely referring to the fact that they were drinking coffee laced with speed and LSD. A concoction Mary invented in the summer of 2011 that she affectionately refers to as “better than jizz.” Everyone ignored Theresa because they were busy trying to ignore Elyse, who was explaining yet again how to tie a knot just like a boy scout. “S-s-seriously, something’s wrong with the c-c-coffee!” “Just shut up and drink it,” said the Queen of England who was wearing a pink jumpsuit that said “juicy” on the ass. Also, she was on one of those elliptical machines that never fail to make you look so stupid. “What’s wrong with the coffee?” asked Elyse who paused from her story after her arms turned into sharks. Mary was growing concerned that she had not realized she was pregnant. In fact she had just noticed this very instant and she didn’t like it at all. “The baby’s kicking!” screamed Mary as she ran to the center of the hot air balloon and squatted down. “RIDE IT TO HELL!” a large block of Velveeta cheese slithered out of her vagina and began crying. “Oh my, is that the warrior prince-!” screamed the Queen of England in shock. “I’LL KILL YOU!” shouted Amy who was fed up with the Queen. Amy did a standing back hand spring back tuck and landed on the queens head. The Queen barely had time to scream before her head was sliced off by Amy’s sword. “Never trust a hoe,” said Amy as the wind hit her hair just right. If there is ever a live action adaptation of this story, the trailer will end with that moment because it was just that epic. Also, Amy would definitely be played by Sally Field. “Don’t touch anything!” shouted Elyse who would be played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, “I know how to dispose of bodies.” Elyse was probably referring to that time she killed her twin sister over an intense game of scrabble. “You do?” asked Mary “Yes, I had to learn that time I killed my twin sister over an intense game of scrabble.” Nailed it. Mary put baby valveeta’s head to her boob and began breast feeding. Theresa fell to her knees, clutched her face with her hands and a shrill but very long and constant scream emerged from her mouth. Rachel sat quietly in her seat, not knowing what to do. Everything had been fine just a minute ago and now Amy was attacking a coat rack, Elyse finally admitted to killing her sister, and Mary had just taken a huge dump on the floor and was now smearing it all over her boob. There must have been something in the coffee that was making everyone act crazy. Rachel had only pretended to drink the coffee, since she’s always just pretended to like coffee in order to fit in. Hopefully no one will do something stupid, thought Rachel. “OH MY GOD I KILLED COREY!” screamed Theresa, “IT’S ALL COMING BACK NOW I KILLED HIM! I CLEANED UP HIS BLOOD WITH NOCK TU RA, MUFAN YO SOLO GO GO BOAT MY NIZZLE!” Rachel considered pretending to be drugged too but at the last moment decided against it. Just then a huge explosion shook the craft and tossed everyone to the floor. Red lights and deafening sirens began blasting, like whenever the USS Enterprise is hit with a photon torpedo. “Warning,” said the indifferent British voice over the loud speaker, “Friendship levels are depleting. Repeat, Friendship levels are depleting.” “Fuck,” Elyse turned to the snowman who had been eyeing her, “There must have been something in the coffee!?” The snowman shrugged because he is a snowman and doesn’t speak English. The hot air balloon began losing altitude. “We’re all going to die!” screamed Mary. “I stabbed him repeatedly!” shrieked Theresa. “Before we die there’s something I need to tell all of you!” shouted Amy. “I’m a wa-" “Is that The Witch Doctor?” Elyse pointed at the cackling glamazon on a broomstick. The Witch Doctor looked at the pathetic hot air balloon as it plummeted towards the earth. “Idiots,” she mumbled. Chapter Four: Beyoncé is a Character Now Nicki Minaj ran up to Beyoncé and whispered something in her ear. All the Goddesses leaned in to try and hear what she was saying. Janelle Monae, Ciara, Kelly Rowland, the other girl from Destiny’s Child who always had to stand in the back and was usually covered up by Beyoncé’s hair, Alexa Chung, Britney Spears, Rihanna, Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Keri Hilson, and Khloe Kardashian who is obviously a man in drag, were all sitting around a large circular marble table. They all wore flowing white gowns like the greek goddesses in all Hollywood movies. The table they were sitting at was located at the intersection of Farmington Road and Grand River Avenue in Farmington, Michigan, accept this wasn’t actually Farmington, Michigan. It looked exactly like Farmington (The greatest city in the entire world and we’re all so lucky to have been born there. I mean seriously.) except everything was made of white marble and the trees were made of solid friendship. Instead of cars everyone got around using water slides, and the town was filled exclusively with perfectly symmetrical, racially ambiguous women in togas and muscular Italian men in speedos. Indeed, this is heaven. Sitting at the head of the table, Beyoncé nodded her head and motioned for Nicki to take a seat. “Women,” said Beyonce as she slowly rose from her marble thrown, “as of 3:00 pm yesterday Corey has passed on.” Everyone began murmuring with excitement. “This should be a time of celebration, but there is a problem. Team Cobra.” “Who?” asked Britney Spears who hasn’t been the same ever since the courts ordered her children be taken away, she was committed against her will to a psychiatric ward, her life was torn to shreds publicly before billions of people, and she was placed under conservatorship rendering her a literal slave to a multinational entertainment corporation. In my story she’s a goddess but let’s not forget the hell she’s currently going through in real life. “Team Cobra,” repeated Beyoncé as she gestured to the center of the table where a hologram appeared which displayed the faces and a short bio of every member. “Are they a serious threat?” asked Alexa Chung whose years spent as a model and public figure in Britain has left her with anorexia and a prescription pill addiction. “No. They should be no problem at all, but just in case I’m going to motion that we raise Heaven’s threat level to Code Giggle-Lobster." Everyone agreed and the meeting was adjourned. Still concerned, Beyoncé climbed a nearby ladder and jumped down a water slide. As the slide twisted and turned, did loopty-de-loops and went through tunnels, Beyoncé thought about me. The Council of Goddesses for the Happiness of Corey (CGHC) was formed in 2006 to make me a happier person, and their mission has been mostly successful ever since. Their latest plan, put forth by Britney Spears in June 2013, is to have me killed so my spirit can spend an eternity in the heaven the CGHC has built for me. The slide terminated and Beyoncé fell into a wave pool. She climbed on a surf board and shredded the waves because she can do anything. Beyoncé knew this plan was pure insanity. The goddesses were so singularly focused on their mission to make me happy that they were blinded to the consequences of their actions. They were so convinced that their mission was just that they had no idea the damage they would cause. For this, Beyoncé knew she would have to kill every goddess on the Council, and destroy Heaven. Because that makes perfect sense. Beyoncé executed the perfect Roundhouse Cutback before jumping off her board and walking in slow motion towards the shore. The raw sexual energy emanating from her body as she emerged from the waves with the soaked white toga hugging her feminine frame was so overwhelming, if properly tapped it could have provided enough renewable energy to power the earth for seven hundred thousand millennia. She walked through the beach and into her temple. After dismissing her handmaidens she sat down on a luxurious golden couch and put on some sweat pants. “Well?” asked Beyoncé. A swivel chair slowly turned around revealing Cassidy Bananas. “Did you set everything in motion?” “Yes.” Said Cassidy, “Team Cobra is on it.” “Excellent,” smiled Beyoncé as she leaned back. “There are enough loose threads in this story for Theresa to knit Corey another winter hat with gay raindeer having anal sex on it.” Beyoncé and Cassidy erupted in evil laughter and began eating pizza pockets.